The Truth About Domestic Violence: Breaking Through the Excuses

In my line of work, I hear these stories every day—stories of good people, hurt by the very ones they trust most, and each time, the patterns are heartbreakingly familiar. If you've ever found yourself making excuses for someone else's behaviour, you’re not alone. “He’s a good guy; he just drinks too much,” or “He’s under so much stress.” But as someone who works closely with domestic violence survivors, I’ve seen how dangerous these justifications can be.

The truth is, drinking doesn’t turn someone into an abuser. I know plenty of people who drink and would never dream of harming another person. Drinking might lower someone’s inhibitions, but it doesn’t create the desire to control, intimidate, or hurt. When someone chooses to drink, knowing it could lead to harm, they’re taking that risk because, deep down, they know you’ll forgive them. They rely on your compassion, your belief in their “good side,” and they use that to keep the cycle going.

Then there’s the stress excuse. “He’s just had a rough day; he’s under so much pressure.” Who hasn’t been overwhelmed or stressed? It’s part of life, and yet most people don’t turn their frustration into anger aimed at someone they love. I’ve heard countless times how abusers wait until they’re in the privacy of their own home to unleash this anger, saving their worst for the person who loves and trusts them most. It’s calculated, it’s intentional, and it’s not about stress—it’s about control.

Here’s the hard truth: if they’re unwilling to seek help for their behaviours—whether it’s for alcohol, stress, or managing their anger—they’re not willing to put in the effort to change. And if they’re not willing to change, then nothing will change. Their unwillingness to make things better and keep you safe is a red flag, signalling that this is exactly the way they’d like to keep things.

So ask yourself, “Do I want more of the same, or do I want something different?” If you want something different, you need to ask for change, set clear boundaries, or if necessary, remove yourself from the situation. Because love isn’t supposed to be painful, controlling, or manipulative. It’s not supposed to make you feel less safe in your own home.

If you’re considering leaving this relationship, please don’t do so without first seeking safety planning advice. Call 1800 RESPECT for confidential support and guidance tailored to your needs. There are countless others who have felt the same confusion, doubt, and fear, and support is available for you. You deserve respect, safety, and a love that lifts you up, not one that holds you down.

Let’s stop letting excuses cloud the truth. Remember, you deserve a life free from fear, guilt, and hurt. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. There’s a community ready to support you, and you’re not alone in this journey.